[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
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When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.