🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
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[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us