me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
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“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking