“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
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Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
Get off my horse you stupid moon
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.