Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
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[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.