Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
You Might Also Like
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
I just ran a .003048K
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
#TopTip
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means