There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
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Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
this is the most humiliating day of my life
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me