[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
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a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?