[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
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It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic