[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
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I really had high hopes for this year though
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Bread puns are on the rise!
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.