[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
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the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.