[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
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[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
*3.5 thank you very much.
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids