I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
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Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.