An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
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Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
[at the general store]
me: one general please
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.