*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
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My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.