[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
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My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.