[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
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My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
Only short people can save us
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm