[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
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there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
✌🏽
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.