[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
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[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]