[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
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Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined