[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
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Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
SCARY COSTUME
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
Guilty! 🤪
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.