[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
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judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.