(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
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I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
Discuss
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
ready to be harvested
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”