(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
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DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”