[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
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My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
When you try jalapeños for the first time
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.