*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
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Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
Meow
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
Kentucky names the shit out of places
are there any atheist mantises?
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad