*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
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How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!