[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
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Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
Finally!
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
Bed should get ready for ME
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.