[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
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[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.