[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
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[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.