Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
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Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
My sex drive has a dui
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there