The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
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Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room