[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
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shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for