Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
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I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
i did the math
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on