Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
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Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
Worlds greatest photobomb
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms