3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
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Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
who named him groot and not spruce lee
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.