Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
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I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
Smile they said.
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.