[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
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700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
Me when my alarm goes off
#Caturday
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
Yes my dude
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.