[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
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Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
whenever i wake up before my alarm
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter