If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
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Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.