[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
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My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
put ‘er there pardner!
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
The opposite of Iceland is water water
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
marvel comics have peaked
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.