[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
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I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
catch me on valentine’s day like
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move