[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
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[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔