First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
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I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
HERE’S MARKY
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.