[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
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Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
Tell me you get it…🤣
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.