[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
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Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer