[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
You Might Also Like
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.