[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
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i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
Haha! 😂
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.