*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
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*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
? 💀
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.