*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
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I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???